Salaam. I would like to share some stuff that I have been going through with you guys in hopes of getting some advice and support.. I don't like sharing my problems with friends and family and my problems have gotten so bad actually that I've stopped talking to everyone in my life and therefore anonymously expressing my troubles here might actually help me so please bear with me and if you have anything encouraging to say or any type of advice please respond.

For almost two years now, my life has been getting worse and worse. My problems started back in July 2009. I used to be quite beautiful (actually it is something that I was known for) and also healthy and very intelligent and was on my way to a bright future (I want to become a doctor and I had the grades to do so). In July 2009, however, the problems began.

First, I got an eye disease which lasted until September 2009. It eventually stopped getting worse but my eyes have never gotten back to being as perfect as they used to be. Then, I lost a relationship that was very dear to me, (I was 17 at the time but I had a pure relationship with this guy that I was madly in love with and planned to marry), and that sent me over the edge as he was the only guy that I've loved. Next, I got very sick from an illness of the stomach that I have that still has not gone away. I also have a thyroid condition which I had since 08 but it has become really bad now and causes me a lot of pain. Then in March 2010 I got into a really horrible car/truck crash. I broke my back and my skull and parts of my face. I was not able to go to school for the rest of the year although I did manage to graduate (from high school) but I had to put off going to college for a year. I am supposed to start college this fall but i have not gotten any better physically.

So basically everything I had has been lost and I honestly do not know what to do with myself. My life was amazing and now it has come down to being trapped in my room and lying on my bed from the physical and emotional pain all day, for almost a year. I have never done a major sin and I am super-confused as to why this is happening to me.

At first, it made me get closer to my religion and turn to it for support, but then I had a severe crisis in my faith which I am still struggling to overcome. I won't get into that because I do not want to offend anyone, (basically I found out that in heaven I won't get a man that loves me but instead will have my desires washed out of my head and will have to live with a man and his hooris, which sucks cause one of my innermost desires is to have a monogamous, loving relationship with someone that I feel strongly about; I also found out that Islam allows slavery and allows men to have sex with slaves which really deeply saddened me but I guess there's nothing I can do about it).

So now, I am still sticking with my faith but I just feel so distant with Allah and so hopeless and broken all the time. I am also very poor but I am trying to get something together because I would like to do an Umrah cause I am thinking that maybe that will help. What do you guys think?

And this may sound weird esp if you guys live in the west like me but in the past, I have had many illnesses (although they always got cured unlike my injuries and illnesses now), and my relatives and mother's family (who are pretty religious) have thought of it to be black magic (because I have a lot of aunts on my dad's side that were very jealous of me because I was smarter and prettier than their daughters and because I rejected their sons since I do not agree with marrying cousins and I just didn't like them).

I know that Allah tests people, but I'm only 18 and my life hasn't even begun yet and I don't understand why he would put me through so much pain at such a young age when I haven't done anything really bad. No one knows how much emotional and spiritual pain I am in. I feel as if not only is my life completely destroyed but my after life won't be to my satisfaction either (may Allah forgive me).

I had big plans for my life. All I wanted was to be healthy and happy and to help people by becoming a doctor and to be with the guy that I love. And now I can't.

I sincerely apologize for sounding so whiny and complaining so much but I really am just getting tired of this life of mine.. any suggestions?