We aren't perfect and we make mistakes sometimes and we have weaknesses. Sometimes we sin and repent.

I'm thinking more about habitual sinning. Something that is so habitual that if you were to remove yourself from it you fear of losing your coherence and sanity (and during previous attempts that may already have happened). I have one example very close to me - a male friend. Nothing more than meeting and talking and some self-defence practice and sparring. Still very wrong but we're human beings and we get lonely when we don't have family support (not a suitable excuse, I'm well aware). I tolerate my family and be nice to them but I don't like them. I don't feel comforted or in good company around them, and I certainly don't turn to them for support when I'm in need of it since often they give bad and unislamic advice. I've never had a great relationship with my family, only a superficial one, so that comes as no surprise.

I still haven't quite figured out how to turn to Allah for support. Trying still leaves me with a very empty and distressed feeling. Although there is a certain level of comfort in my mind that Allah is always there it's only still budding and very basic, and in this physical lower reality there is no actual sensory stimulus or feedback that we humans tend to turn to other humans for. The lack of it is what I find myself unable to cope with.

The sisters don't provide what I need in that regard. I actually don't know why that is. They're nice and all but there just seems to be something missing. That feeling of being with another human being who can relate to you and who you know you can turn to and rely on, and who genuinely cares about you. I just don't get that with the sisters. There is only one human being in this word who I do feel that way about, and sadly he is male.

Basically I need to wean myself off this need of emotional support if I am to stop sinning by being alone with a male. Marriage isn't an option right now. Maybe, inshallah, in the future, but now right now. I tried for a little while just slowly weaning myself, but like an elastic band being pulled to its limit, it eventually snapped back in my face. I couldn't cope. Literally, my health totally declined. There were other factors in that involved too, such as stuff going on at home, but I don't doubt time spent away from this male caused some of the stress. It wasn't so much being away from that male, it was that in his absence there wasn't another human I could turn to who could offer even anywhere close to the same level of emotional support.

I need to get past this dependency on another human being for support, though. It's tearing me apart inside knowing that I'm sinning out of such shameful weakness, and I continue to do it again and again because I simply don't know what else to do. I'm frightened of what would happen if I were to cut ties with him entirely. I already have such bad physical health that I can't go out often any more, and my mental health isn't really much better and on top of that I've been unable to cope with being in the house alone or even with my grandmother for too long, it drives me to tears. I'm keeping my head above the water but barely.

Would it be better to just stop it altogether, tell him not to contact me again? Or do you reckon it would be healthier to slowly and gradually stop seeing him? I don't actually know what to do. Nor do I know how to become independent. I don't want to have to rely on anyone for emotional support. It sickens me. I hate crying every time I feel sad, wanting to not exist every time I can't cope, I hate being so weak. I feel so disgusted with myself. I have always hated myself and who I am. I have never ever found a likeable trait about myself.

People would say "oh no, no you're nice in this way and that way and..." NO! You're lying! I HATE when people lie to 'cheer you up' (which it doesn't anyway but that's not the point). I need PRACTICAL ADVICE to become a less disgusting human being, I don't need a false sense of reality instilled in me to fool me into thinking there's no hurry in bettering myself! I could die spontaneously within the next few seconds for all I know, of course I should be in a blooming hurry!

I guess this is why I get along with my male friend better than anyone else. He's brutally honest about pointing out things I'm doing wrong or when I'm being a jerk, even when it hurts my feelings, but I always see the good in it eventually and I do feel like a better person when he points out my flaws and weaknesses and pointing out what I need to change in such a way that I can clearly see where I'm going wrong and take a bit of control in actually finding a solution to the problem instead of fluffing me up to try to make me feel better. But he's not really so knowledgeable that he can help me with this solution as it's partially his problem too. I don't know how he feels about all this, whether or not he feels as ashamed as I do, I have no idea.

I don't know anyone else like that so I feel really alone when he's not around, even when I'm in lots of company. If I could find a sister like that, I think I could cope with cutting ties with this brother, but most of them (no offence intended) are too soft. Also, often when someone offers to set me up with someone it either never happens or that someone turns out to be far too soft/doesn't really know much anyway.

So, in summary, I don't know whether or not I should stop right now or soon. I just know I need to stop. But I don't know how to go about it without breaking myself down and that's what I need help on.